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I Am Upset… April 15, 2008

Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....

And so it is, as usual, that whenever I cannot make out what or how to figure out life, or at least any particular aspect of it that seems to be bothering me at that particular instant, I turn to blogging it out. And in this occasion, what lead to this incident was that I sent somebody one of my earlier posts (Fear) to read. And that snowballed into something else, something which had been deep in the pockets of my brain, somewhere, hidden, refusing to come out until the time was right.

I am upset about something is putting it mildly. It has nothing to do with me, and will soon subside, so for those who care about me, please don’t be worried. The last time something like this happened, I had built up so much rage, that it drained me to a point that I couldn’t move out of my bed for a whole evening. That was almost 2 years ago. This time thankfully, I am just about upset. It was something that I knew shouldn’t be happening, but I knew would eventually happen, and as you might have guessed, has begun to happen. Well, I have seen the start of it at least. Simply put, it was what somebody I care about and look up to in certain aspects, said and did and what those suggested words implied that triggered an emotional response within me. I could either laugh it off and join in on the joke. Or I could ignore it, and pretend that it didn’t bother me, acting as if nothing was wrong. Or I could make my displeasure known.

Uncharacteristically, I spoke to the person concerned regarding it. I told him my issues with what had happened. It wasn’t easy. Maybe, it was just the fact, that very few times in life do I allow myself to interfere in the private lives of somebody else. Even those close to me. What somebody else does,
is that person’s business. Each person’s morality for any actions that involve that person and their interactions with other consenting adults, in the private confines of their lives, and that what is not illegal, is that person’s own business, and I don’t consider myself anybody special to challenge or question those actions. So, whenever, I am forced to question somebody else’s actions, I am at a disadvantage, because I lack the necessary skills, finesse, and the tact to do it in the right manner. Depending on the intensity of my discomfort level of somebody else’s actions, i try to avoid it, by ignoring that it ever happened, or just phase that person out of my life. Especially if there is a chance of that person not paying any heed to what I was saying, and continued doing whatever “wrong” (as perceived by me), that they were doing. I have only ever phased out two people out of my life before, and it hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. But I found that option much easier than confronting them with my issues with their behaviour. And in this particular case, it meant questioning a person, who has much superior verbal and rational skills that I, a master of oratory and rhetoric, and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. Going by past experience, I should have just ignored it, let things go on the way they were going, and eventually just phase him out, as difficult as it would have been, citing the reason to myself, that I couldnt’ stand a person who I felt was ill-treating somebody else, and therefore didn’t seem to care about anybody other than himself. The tough part was, it wasn’t a person I would want to offend on the worst of days, least of all because I consider him a close friend. He forces me to think about things in ways that I had never thought of before. But, it was more than that. Over the years, I have genuinely begun to respect and like the person, in spite of all his flaws, which he himself is well aware of, and does nothing to hide or make excuses for. He is what he is, and he has no qualms about it. If ever there was a person who was comfortable in his own skin, then this was him.

I think he sensed that something was wrong the moment he said it, because when I kinda commented on it, he wasn’t surprised. He was just surprised at the fact that I had reacted in such a harsh manner. Harsh, not in the rude sense, but in the sense of being abrupt and out of character for me. When it comes to the matter of the heart, though, I try not to mince words. Especially when it’s somebody else’s. Not everybody has the luxury of being a block of concrete, as I have been described in the past, when it comes to the matters of the heart. A broken heart is possibly one of the most pathetic sights in the world. Not because it is broken. But because, if allowed to spiral out of control, it has the brute force to break the spirit too. And there is definitely no misery like a broken human spirit. Devoid of a will to love and live. And the more you love somebody, and the more you are willing to give up to be with somebody, the more chances that you will end up with a broken spirit, if things go sour. So, you have two options. Either turn yourself into a block of concrete, so that you don’t end up hurt. Or pray that the other person loves you as much, and doesn’t break your heart, with their callous behaviour.

And so, I warned him against doing just that. Breaking somebody’s else heart, and thereby their spirit. Thankfully, he understood my sentiments behind it, and assured me that isn’t his intention, and that isn’t what he is going to do. And, as usual, I cannot but take his words at face value. Whatever I know of him, I don’t think he would lie to anybody. Well, white lies maybe, not a blatant lie like this, anyway. That isn’t his style.

And now, even though I ended up sounding like a preaching 70 year old priest, I have it off my chest. He knows precisely what my opinion is on the subject. And I think he appreciates it. Well, better he know it from me than not know at all. Or worse still, better than being sick and nauseated at myself, for not telling it to him, as I saw it.

Cheers to you all guys. Sorry I can’t provide you with any more information on this, and to keep you half hanging as usual. At the beginning, when I started to write this post, I was still feeling quite pissed about the incident. Now, an hour and a half later, as I am fighting off sleep, once again, writing it down seems to have done the trick. I think I will be okay now.

Good night, all of you! Hope you sleep tight in the arms and hearts of those you love.



1. evilmenever - April 17, 2008

🙂 it madea nice read…. atleast reassuring that i ain’t ony one who finds comfort in speaking thinks out… :)(:

2. silverine - April 18, 2008

People are so quick to jump to conclusions….some even forget their own experiences while doing so. And what despairs me is that when you point out the obvious they understand. I guess sympathizing and empathizing are passe. Dunno if I made sense, but generally thinking aloud after reading your post.

You got to get things off your chest. and that is what blogging is all about I am tired of telling people 😀 Now I appreciate the ritual of “Confession” in the Church. It is a ritual cleaning of the mind, so essential to move forward. Ok, I will stop rambling now.

Good night to you too!

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