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Alone Again, Naturally… April 9, 2006

Posted by espritnoir in Bandstand Stories, I, Me and Myself....
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Another Saturday evening spent by myself, staring out into the ocean, and watching couples cozy up to each other on the Bandra promenade. Another evening spent listening to music in the car, driving up and down the streets of Bandra, hoping that something happens, and I don’t have to spend the rest of the evening alone. Another hope dashed and another evening ruined.

Bombay is not a place suitable for single people. In fact, I wonder if any city is. Everywhere you go, you see couples, holding hands, hugging, trying to peg you as a loser for not being with somebody. And if you look beyond the couples, you see the college crowd hanging out together. Being single has become one step away from a crime, as it were. And hey, don’t get me wrong. Its not that I aint got no friends or anything. I do, I have great friends. But, life’s at that stage at the moment, where everybody I know is busy coping with their own shit. People I know are getting married, getting new jobs, having a baby, and just so busy with their own lives. And again, I’m not grudging them that. I’m happy for them. But that kinda leaves people like me, out in the lurch. The ones who don’t seem to be going anywhere. Socially, I mean. I’ve often been accused of being an anti-social. Hell, I invented that label for myself. I’m the guy you see at social gatherings, leaning on the pillar behind shrubbery besides the drinks table. I’m the guy who can’t think of anything funny to say at the right time. When I’m with myself, or people who know me the closest, I’m a hoot. (Well, at least, that’s what I think. Here again, I may be wrong. All those who disagree, please look away.) But, replace that set of people with a completely alien audience, and out comes the anti-social. I will very comfortably slip into one corner of the room, and be happy watching other people chat away. Who pretends to look into his cell phone, too busy sending off fake SMSs, just so that I don’t have to make eye contact with others. Or worse still, be forced to make conversation that makes sense, should somebody actually come up to me, and say a hello.

And that’s what stopped me from walking into a pub last evening, all by myself, into any one of those places where the whole world gets together on a Saturday evening. And that’s why I spent another Saturday evening, listening to music in the car, driving up and down the streets of Bandra, hoping that something would happen. And staring out into the ocean, all by myself.

I have no idea what I intend to achieve with this post. Its one of those posts, that just seemed to write itself. Maybe it’ll make more sense tomorrow.

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Comments»

1. poemer - April 9, 2006

I generally deal with this issue by staying SO busy that my alone moments are ones of great relief. Those are the times when I can write or draw, and knit myself back together.
If you’re anything like me, you’re fine until you’re shown something you’re not usually REALLY sure you want-except at certain moments of vulnerability. I feel terribly lonely sometimes, and yet when the opportunity arises to be with someone, I pass it up. So my loneliness, you might say, is self-inflicted. I’ve often said that I’d rather be lonely by myself then lonely WITH someone. Or smothered….
So what we’re lamenting is the fact the the RIGHT person hasn’t shown up. And that makes it a matter of patience. That’s not a commodity I possess in great quantities. 😉
You said that you are the guy who leans on the pillar, watching other people talk. I say you’re an observer…..people who spend time in thought are not generally in the midst of a crowd. And people who spend all their time talking generally devote very little time to thought. Moderation is key, but sometimes you have to pick which you’d rather be.

2. EspritNoir - April 15, 2006

i’m with you, when you say tht you’d rather be lonely by yourself, than with someone. i’v akly spent the last 4 new years eves all by myself, doing something that i enjoy, even if its just staring out into the ocean (i do that a lot, you will notice) listening to music, rather than be lonely in the company of others. in that way, my loneliness is self inflicted too. but for me, its not so much as patience that i lack (i have that in abundance), its more of a lack of belief that i’l be able to identify the right person for me. for me, its a difficult thing to do, when i still dont know WHO exactly “Me” is…it’s crazy i know. me being an observer is true, but like you said, i need to decide when to “jump in”. moving away from me,
you write poems, draw, teach? wow, you sound like superwoman:) cheers to that:)

3. poemer - April 18, 2006

Even when I was married, I spent very few anniversaries and holidays with my husband. He’s in the military, and was always gone or working. I can’t remember the last time I had someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve! Holidays tend to depress me a bit; those ARE the times when I feel sorry for myself.
As for observation: I’ve been on both sides of the fence, and am not sure which I prefer. There’s something great about recognizing life’s verities through reflection (I’ve been watching too many Jane Austin movies!); however, it’s awful fun to be part of a large, noisy group who’s power for attraction seems to grow exponentially from the unstated, magnetic, aggregate mindset of “belonging.” I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me…maybe I’ll clarify it when I’m not distracted by so many people! 😉


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