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Life’s Unanswered Questions… February 27, 2005

Posted by espritnoir in Uncategorized.
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“…Tonight, our bed is cold, lost in the darkness of our love,
God have mercy on the man who doubts what he’s sure of…”

Bruce Springsteen. A Brilliant Disguise.

In the night time, when there is nothing to do, I still think of her.

Its been four years now, but I don’t think I can remember one single day when I haven’t thought of her, at least for one fleeting second. On the bus back home from work, when I pass the restaurant where we used to grab a soup and dinner. In the library, when I pass the section on English poetry. Anytime I watch a Rahul Bose movie. Whenever I drink black coffee, which is all the time. Anytime I hear Annie’s Song. Each time “Casablanca”, her favorite movie, comes on television. In fact, I still think about her almost every second I am alone. Out of sight, out of mind, they say. Ya, right, tell me another!

The strangest thing is : I spent four years with her. And today, four years after she’s left me, I think about her everyday, but I just can’t remember her face. Did she have straight hair, or gentle curls? Was it jet black or did she ever have them streaked? Did she have that lilt in her voice, or is it just something that my imagination made up in these last four years? Sometimes, I wonder, whether I actually do miss her. Or is it just the thought of her. Am I still in love with her, or am I in love with the idea that I was ever in love with somebody, and more importantly the notion, however false, that somebody was in love with me? Where and how does one draw the line and say, enough is enough, I will now get on with my life. Time, they say (they say a lot don’t they?), is the Great Healer. Just who decides how much time is enough time? Is four years long enough to mourn for a lost love and lifetime of shattered dreams? Am I a “loser” just because still hold on to precious memories of the past. All my friends who knew about us, now scoff at me for still holding on to them. But they were precious to me, those times that we spent together, saying I love you over and over again. The only difference was, one of us meant it, and the other…well, if she had meant those words, she would have still been with me now, wouldn’t she?

A breakup with a loved one, be it a lover, a friend or family, can be highly damaging to one’s state of mind, to say the least. It also leaves one with a lot of questions. Especially if it is least expected. We need to remember that even the most strongest relationships change, for better or for worse. That’s what keeps them alive. To the one left brokenhearted, there are only two options before them. Ask yourself the same question over and over again – WHY??? It’s a question that mostly remains unanswered. Its just a way to try and to put our minds to rest, “this happened because, that went wrong…Had I just said I love you more often…Had I just got her that diamond ring she wanted…Had I just been more prettier, he would never have strayed…” You can spend an eternity, but you’ll never find an answer to that “Why?”, none that satisfies you anyways. Letting go on the other hand, will hurt, but it’ll preserve your sanity. As someone once said, “If it doesn’t break you, it’ll make you stronger…” Letting go may be the one thing that keeps us from crossing that line from sane to insane. Call it whatever you like, give it any cliché, it’s just one more lesson in the game called Life.

Then, the only question that comes to mind is : how do you learn to let go…?

(The above is part imagination, part fact, part something i understand, part something that i don’t. in true “mindspace…” style, it’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that…)

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Comments»

1. Tawnyy - January 5, 2006

I know how you feel, I used to always wonder “When do I know it’s time for me to let go, why can’t it be now, when is it going to all be over” && I never answered my own question, fate did. I always sound like a really corny emo person, but just live it out. Try to keep yourself busy, I know the exact situation your in, and I’ve moved on though, I don’t think I love him anymore, but I still think about him all the time. It’s kinda natural I guess, but I mean, you’ll find others. Life goes on! I realized that, and now I’m living my life to the fullest. I still see flashing memories about us, and sometimes I want to cry, wondering if I’ll ever get him back! but you just have to look ahead, and maybe find someone else. But see them through clearly, don’t find someone and use them just to get the other person off your mind. Find someone you think is perfect for you, then try things out. Everything will work out fine. Trust me.–>


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