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I’m back. And I’m weeding out the past! March 20, 2017

Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself....
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I can’t believe i’m actually doing this.

It’s been such a long time.

Okay…Here’s the deal.

I am done.

With the anger.

The resentment.

The doubt.

The hurt.

The pain of betrayal.

The thought of being reduced to a “Dost Dost Na Raha, Pyar Pyar Na Raha” meme.

I got over my ex-wife some time back.

But now, i’m also over the fact that my best friend married her.

And that he didn’t think it was necessary to tell me that they were dating for two years or so, until a week before their engagement.

My ex-wife and my best friend. Now happily married.

Once, both of them were a significant part of my life. Now, not anymore.

And i don’t particularly mind.

I was forced to move on from my ex’s life after she walked out of my mine.

I now choose to walk away from my friend’s life to save myself a lifetime of unnecessary awkwardness.

He moved on.  So must I.

I wish them well. Truly, and from the bottom of my heart.

No hard feeling for them.

Scratch out “hard”.

As i bring Esprit Noir back, (or as he brings himself back?), this is the last time i shall mention them on these pages.

And this may be a Monday evening, but I’m feeling like a mutha’fuckin Saturday Night.

Black is back, baby. Black is back…!



True Love… January 24, 2015

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Just left from office. The iphone began playing “Beautiful in my eyes” by Joshua Kadison. For no reason,
I remembered the one time i sang that song out to somebody special. Especially one bit.

“When the time comes to embrace for one long last while, we can laugh about how time really flies. We won’t say goodbye ’cause true love never dies.You’ll always be beautiful in my eyes.”

I always thought that bit about the ‘time to embrace for one long last while’ meant dying in the arms of the one you love. I had imagined that with us – me and that someone special – through my tears, when i sang that song. But, i guess, it doesn’t work out that way for all. I realise now that the last embrace doesn’t have to be the ‘last’ one. Time really did fly for us, though. And although, I couldn’t laugh about it then, i’m glad that today, in retrospect, at least on some days, i can genuinely smile about the time we had together.

Another thing this memory made me realise today is why they say True Love can only ever be “One”. As in “One True Love”. As Kadison says, true love never dies. When the one heart that was home to your true love shuts down, your now homeless true love just finds a different heart to take shelter in. As long as there are goodbyes, and as long as there is Life, there is always hope for one’s True Love to be just around the next corner. If you keep your heart open and eyes closed long enough, you will eventually find your True Love once again. Beating in some other heart, just as passionately for you as it one did, when it occupied somebody else’s heart. A new heart. The same love. Waiting for you to begin the same rush all over again!

I’m one step ready to close my eyes, and open my heart! Universe, are you listening?

All Things Come to an End… January 3, 2014

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Wish everybody – well, those of you who are still checking in – a Happy New Year…

2013 was rocky from the start to say the least. It left me with something that i least expected.

An impending divorce.

Guess, the nay-sayers were right after all. Maybe, it was just not meant to be. Maybe, somebody just gave up…

But, for all its ups and downs, it was fun while it lasted. I’m glad it happened. I’m not sure about how i feel about it ending. Which is not surprising, considering I’ve spent most of last year trying to escape from thinking about it.

But, all said and done, it’s over now, and life moves on.

Unfortunately, this blog doesn’t. When i opened this space, it was to address a void i felt within me, a desire to communicate. To make my voice heard, even if to complete strangers. Over the years, the strangers became friends. But, in a sudden twist of fate, my closest friend has become a stranger. And, try as much as i want to, i can’t share my personal views and thoughts on a forum where i know that what’s going on in my mind can be read by people i don’t know if i can trust anymore.

So, without further ado, i bid thee farewell. Thank you for your bouquets and brickbats. They have all helped me grow. Once again, I am at a loss  of words, when i wish to convey so much, but i firmly remain frozen-brained.

But, for those of you who are interested in keeping in touch, please message or email me. Share a comment, share your email address. I will begin with a different format of the blog somewhere else soon. I’ll get back to you with the details…Maybe you will like it, maybe you won’t. In true EspritNoir style, i personally don’t know where i am headed into the blogospehere.

If you want to move on, wish you all the best. Thank you, you have been great.

For those of you who wish to be in touch…well, message me. Like i said, i dont know what’s coming next. But, i can promise you this. Just as much as this is the end of one thing, this is also the beginning of something new…So, stick around

Adios, amigos…


Bugger… April 16, 2013

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What do you know? It seems that Beatles got it wrong, after all. Sometimes, love isn’t all you need…sometimes, it’s just plain baloney…


Ding Dong… February 24, 2011

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Anybody Home? Anybody Listening???
Hmmm…What to do?

Some More Calligraphy Artworks… March 31, 2010

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Just felt like putting these up as well…;)

Back after a while… March 21, 2010

Posted by espritnoir in 1.

Hmmm…Coming back to this space, feels like coming back to an old home you once stayed in, a really really long time ago. You know, maybe as a kid. It’s familiar, yet so strange at times. Ever felt like that when you go back to your childhood house? The floor, which was so much closer when you were a tiny kid, is suddenly so far away. And the windows which you could barely see out of standing on your toes, holding on to the window sill…you suddenly realise you’ve outgrown that window. But someplaces you never outgrow. You just come back home, and after a few minutes, getting adjusted to the settings, you’re back on solid ground. Well, i hope this is how this turns out like…

Hi to all those who are still around! Been a crazy (mostly, in a good way) last six odd months. Married life is good. We’ve had our ups (mostly) and downs ( a few), but it’s going great … loving every moment of it…And no, the missus is NOT holding a gun to my head, to get me to say that!

But, more on that later. I’ve been trying to get a hold on something for a while now, and well, here goes. This is a test run for something new. Hope it goes well…

Well, I do calligraphy…i’ve done it since i was i guess 12 years old or so, and realised that hey, i’ve got a decent enough handwriting. Since i was a kid, i loved art, i dabbled in water colours and oils for a bit, but then i realised colour (shouldn’t be a surprise) were not exactly what loved doing. Don’t get my wrong, i love colours, it’s just that as an art form, i never could control colours, the way a real artist can or should. In most cases, they just didn’t come out the way i want them to. So, for a while i focussed on pencil sketchings, and i was pretty decent at it. Soon i moved on to caricatures, and stuff, and had a great time sketching and doodling funny faces on paper napkins and notebook covers, etc. But, it never was anything serious. I never had the confidence to pursue it as a serious option in life. Then again, if i have to be brutally honest, i don’t think i ever had an innate talent or enough of a committment for it, to pursue something that which i really loved doing as a passion as a serious career option. So, i never became an artist. No regrets.

While all this was happening, i always knew one thing. I loved writing. In my family, almost everybody has a fairly decent hand. Growing up, my sister was always the one who got more compliments on her handwriting than I did. In fact, i imbibed her style into my handwriting, but still she was the one who got all the compliments. Soon, that began to annoy the life out of me. I mean, even today, i can gurantee that if she writes a line, i can write the same line, and even  she will not be able to tell the difference which line was hers and which one was mine. So, as a kid, i decided okay, enough is enough. I have to make my own mark somewhere, and so i started picked up calligraphy. The art of beautiful handwriting. And i’ve been doing it since i was in the 7th or 8th std or so. Like all other things, i used to do it in fits and starts. Tried it for a few months, till i was excited, then exams happened, so i tucked away my pens and forgot all about it for six months. Till the next time,  i got all excited about it…This went on for almost ten more years or so…

So, what changed. 2 years back, i was walking down the streets of London. I was supposed to meet a friend, in the evening, and i had landed there early from Bournemouth. I was just walking around, near Piccadilly Circus, when I saw a small boutique shop selling calligraphy supplies. I just stepped in to take a look, and before I knew it, i had purchased about almost 70 pounds worth of calligraphy dip pens and nibs. It was a huge purchase for me, not just moneterily,but also was i actually going to commit myself to doing this seriously? Soon after, i started calculating all the miscellaneous calligraphy supplies i had gathered over the years. The first calligraphy kit, my parents got me from the UK (Osmiroid, really good kit, unfortunately, no longer made by the original company), the Sheaffer kits i had collected back in India, the supplies i bought in the UK, and you know what, I realised, i’ve spent more than 7,500 Rs (That was 2 years ago. Since then, i’ve nearly doubled that amount) on what I considered nothing more than a passing fancy. Was that justified? Didn’t think so. I always hated mixing commerce with something that i loved doing, but for the first time, i realised i was just putting money into something, and getting nothing back in return. Forget getting something back in return, i wasn’t even doing justice to it. So, i started practicing in earnest. In the UK, i had the time. I decided calligraphy had become too expensive an investment to just remain a hobby.

Well, that was then and this is now. For the last two years, I’ve been having a blast, with the calligraphy stuff. Now, i’ve been investing more than ever into it, time and money. So, my wifey says to me, ‘Wow, you should get this stuff printed. You could actually do it as a professional artist’. I go, OKAY! WHAT IS SHE THINKING! I can’t be that good. I’m no artist. But she sounds convinced. So, i show my stuff to a friend from work, a wiz with cameras and an excellent amateur photographer. He goes, “Wow, that’s great. You should do something about it” and promptly asks me to do my first serious piece of artwork for himself. So, it took my ten days to do it, but i finally manage to do it and he loved it! And i loved the feeling of being an artist, even a really tiny, small one in a vast pool of talent out there.

So, i decide, what the heck. I think i will do it. I’ve never done any serious bit of calligraphy for anybody else, but for myself. Why not put my money where my mouth is, and ask people to see if i’m really any good at all? So, presenting for the first time ever, EspritNoir, part-time blogger, and now part-time Calligrapher…!

Take a look at some of the samples i’ve worked on recently, and let me have your opinion. If you think, they’re good, do let me know. If you think they’re just useless, do tell me. I don’t know what i’ve got here, but i want to find out…!

This first one, is the piece i did for my friend at work. He’s been a real help in the past few months, constantly egging me on to do new things and try out new ideas for my calligraphy. He has this put up in his daughter’s room, and i really liked his choice of words. It felt great to write this, not only cause it was my first time writing for somebody else, but also cause the words were so powerful, i actually had to think how i wanted the final result to look.

Where The Mind Is Without Fear...

This second one is a small poem, written by my wife’s very close friend, as a sort of a marriage gift, when our marriage was announced. We liked it so much, we decided to put it as a part of our wedding invite. The words are beautiful, and well, the words just wrote itself…

Wedding Card Insert

What do i hope to achieve with this, you may ask? It’s so much easier to work in photoshop and corel, and get the same printed in your favourite font, some may say. I agree, but then, what’s the fun in that! So, what do i want to do with this? I don’t know…as yet. But, if you do have a favourite piece of poetry you would like to gift somebody, as a framed artwork, or would like a set of bookmarks with quotes from your favourite authors written on them, or maybe even personalised visiting cards with your details done in calligraphy, do let me know. Maybe we can work something out…

This is EspritNoir, the calligrapher;) signing off for now…cheers…

Activity Checklist… August 31, 2009

Posted by espritnoir in Miscellaneous.
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1) Check.

2) Check.


4) Work in Progress (WIP)

5) Hmmm…Why the hell not as yet, i wonder??? *Devilish grin* Maybe tonight!

6) Check for Kerala. Many more pending.

7) Pending.

8) WIP. Happily!

9) Oh, definitely Check! 🙂

10) WIP

5 Checks, 3 WIPs, 1 activity lined up for dawn tomorrow, and only 1 pending!

I think that’s a damn good record for all the things i was excited about and planned to do post the wedding. Especially in the time frame of less than a month. Soon, time to add more things to the list…:)


Thursday, August 6, 2009 August 6, 2009

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Saturday Night Starts Today…!

“What are you excited about???” August 5, 2009

Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....

Asked the soon-to-be Mrs. of the alter-ego of EspritNoir, ie. me.

STOP PRESS!!! Yes, to clarify to those of you who didn’t know. I (or at least the alter-ego, who doesn’t go around by the name of EspritNoir, or any of the other really weird names I have for myself) am getting married! Tomorrow, to be precise. To this lovely girl, who only did one major goof-up in life. Falling for me! Not that I’m complaining. I don’t think i could have got any luckier, and I mean it! I’m just happy that my erstwhile girlfriend for 3 years, fiancee of 6 months, and soon-to-be-Missus (for those of you who are wondering, yes, all three are the same woman!) and I both made our way in life together, which was a great but not-always-easy ride. And the one thing I’m sure about is this : Having seen each other’s best and worst sides, not to mention all the paraphanelia and baggage we both have carried along into the relationship, and still accepting each other with the same love as three years back when we first got together, we now know that we’ll be prepared for anything in the future…! So, cheers, to that.

But, I digress. So, she asked me the really strange question about a week back. And I didn’t know what to say. Say the truth or lie? Coz, the truth was I really wasn’t excited about the wedding. It’s just too much hassles, over something, which in the end, becomes more of a stressful event, than a stress-free one.

Neither am i excited about the honeymoon so much as to be over the top. I mean, sure i am excited at the prospect of spending some great quality time with her away from the whole set of wedding crazed families. But, at the end of the day, thats what the honeymoon period is all about. Having fun, relaxing, enjoying each others company, getting tipsy, and getting lots of … uhem… cosy, intimate moments! 😉 So, that’s like a given. So, im excited about it, but is that what im most excited about?

No…not really.

Which puts me in dangerous grounds. I really can’t tell that to the Mrs-to-be…that Im not really that excited about the wedding, nor the honeymoon. I decide to take the plunge and tell her what im really excited about…

1) Waking up in the morning, to find her lying in my arms. Even if the added weight of her head on my arms, means that i have to spend ten minutes every morning to wake my arm from its dead sleep, it’s worth it!

2) Having coffee with her in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Black coffee tastes good, watching her at 6.30 am in a coffee shop around the corner, even better.

3) Not having to drop her home, after spending the evening in my side of the town. It will be the greatest thing in the world to just go home together once we’re through with our evenings.

4) Decorating our room and home together in the years to come. I’m sure the hole in my wallet will not as large as the lump of joy in my heart, as we add new things to our bedroom to mark the happy years passing by.

5) Playfully pushing her out of bed on a regular weekday morning. Just like that. To hear her scream when the stone cold floor hits her body! (Don’t worry, we have a low bed. So it’s not too much of a fall;)

6) Going with her to places i’ve always wanted to go to, but never did ‘coz it would never be the same without her. Kerala, Lakshwadeep, Goa, Sri Lanka, UK, the rest of the world. No place is too near, or too far, or too anything. I’ve never gone anyplace with somebody special. This should be a great start!

7) Showing her around UK someday. Especially Bournemouth & Poole. Munchies on Poole High Street, where we used to eat doner kababs, Chippy, the fish & chip shop i frequented, Poole Quay, Bournemouth Beach, the Uni, the place in London where i stayed for a night, and was reminded of Bombay. There are so many memories of me as an individual, that i want to share with her. I’m excited about that.

8) Sharing our dreams, and living them together.

9) Being hit by the ten ton scent of her freshly washed hair, and going weak in my knees. It may not be like that forever, but you know what, i really want to enjoy it to the fullest, till it lasts.

10) Creating new memories. Not as individuals, but together. As a married couple. With all the fights, and kisses, and hugs and punches, and warts and smiles and all.

I’m really excited about spending the rest of my life with her. Somewhere, on these pages, I had said, “Someday, I’ll be a Saturday Night…” Well, tomorrow may be a Thursday to some, but to me, it’s the start of my Saturday night…and i’m really excited about spending all (well, almost all:) my Saturday nights (and other nights and days) with the woman I love!