Cooking for Four May 25, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Miscellaneous.add a comment
The last two weeks have whizzed past in a blur. Trips to London, Stratford-upon-Avon, dissertation meetings, planning a trip to Germany, and amidst all this exploring a new aspect of life. Serious cooking!
Never ever have I cooked for others. All my experiments with cooking have been restricted to eating whatever I have had prepared. Well, I’m not counting the quick millions of half fries and omlettes, and bhurjis I’ve prepared over the years for friends and family. Anybody can make those. I’m also not taking into consideration the once in a while potato sabji and pithale bhaat, and other basic stuff. I think those are like a few basic quick fix dishes that anybody who has lived alone has to learn as a part of survival training. I’m talking about actual cooking, which involves thinking about what spices to put in the curry, gathering them, deciding how much to put in to give the dish the right flavour, etc. I’m talking about the kind of food that my mom makes. Well, my mom only makes vegetarian food, but trust me, it’s great food! To tell you the truth, she isn’t like a chef, she can’t conjure up exotic dishes and she doesn’t have a repertoire of a zillion dishes. But even her simplest food is definitely the most amazing. Good wholesome food, which is nothing less than an art form, I tell you. Now, this is the kind of cooking I’v always wanted to experiment with but never got around to try. In hindsight, I think it was because back home, I was way too lazy and was always making up excuses. We didn’t have the right spices. We didn’t have the right oven. My mom doesn’t like me cooking non-vegetarian food in her kitchen, although for the life of me, I can’t remember a single occasion when she said that. On second thoughts, I think like a lot of other things in life, I had a passion for cooking, but I was just way too scared to actually go and try it out, god forbid it turned out a disaster, and it was proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t cook. Or worse still, if it did turn out good, then I would have had a standard to live up to the next time I cooked. (Having put that down, and having associated that thought to a few other things I’ve done or not done in life, I just had a thought! Christ, how messed up in the head, am I?) Anyways, one thing or the other, and I never actually cooked for people. The only few times I did cook, was mostly just for myself and I must say I was always, too much flash and less substance in the kitchen.
Well, when I shifted to the UK, into my student accommodation, I brought with me tons of recipes and cookbooks and what not. I was going to experiment! I was going to explore my culinary skills to the limit. I was going to enthral friends with my gourmet skills. I was going to conjure up new dishes everyday of the week, and become the Gordon Ramsay of the student accommodation! In reality, for almost eight months, I ended up doing nothing. In eight months, I must have cooked exactly 10 times. Mostly eggs, Maggi instant noodles, pithale (so whats new?). The closest I ever came to cooking was when I looked up a recipe for Chicken Fried Rice one fine evening, but my friends who I wanted to impress with my cooking decided to go out for dinner that night, and I ended up eating rice for dinner all by myself, as well as breakfast and lunch the next day. And one time, I made palak paneer, (which was good, by the way), but how it got made is a different story altogether. Why did I end up not cooking in the UK? Well, I have my meals with friends from India, who stay in the apartment next to mine, and there’s this one guy who can cook. To his credit, he cooks really well. He is like a thinking cook. He knows how much spices to put in, how long to marinade the chicken, and how to save a dish if it’s too salty, or too spicy, etc. And he’s been nominated the official cook for the apartment. And after the whole fried rice incident, and a couple of others back in the early days, when I was still getting to know these people, I realized that I wasn’t going to be playing second fiddle to a kid who was younger than me. Not in the kitchen, and not anywhere. Also, he had an advantage in the fact that he could actually cook, while I merely fancied myself to be India’s answer to Gordon Ramsay, I never actually tried cooking in earnest. I had to swallow my pride here, and accept the fact that if it came out to a cook-out match between us, I would be the one who was least prepared for it. It was much easier to be a commis cook, and help out with the chopping, and cleaning and occasional making omlettes, all the time taking in notes learning how to clean chicken, how to marinade it and cook it etc, hoping that one day I would put it to use.
That was until he went on a 3 week vacation, early this month. In that apartment, the only girl who could cook was a vegetarian, and despite the fact that we like our greens, the thought of going without meat for 3 weeks was a scary thought. Something in me clicked, there was no excuse this time. And I decided it was time to put on the apron, and take the pan by the handle!
Since then, its been a food fest every third day! Murgh Kababs, Chicken do Pyaaza, Murgh Hariyali Kababs, Alu Gobhi, Alu Mutter. For the first time, in my life, I was cooking for others, and trust me when I started off it was a scary prospect. I didn’t know whether these guys would like my food or not. It was one thing me eating off something I had made, even though it wasn’t palatable, but for these guys to do it was expecting too much. But, they seem to like it. Off course, I’ve taken a few falls. I have a heavy hand with the chillies, coz that’s the way we cook at home, and these guys can’t handle my spice level most times. But, I’ve learned to kinda control it. So, my friends can go easy on the dinner time Coke now!
We decided to put my skills to the test 2 nights back. There was just me and CM, one of my Indian friends here, in the apartment. Out of the blue, we decided to call over some friends over for dinner and drinks, something light, nothing too fancy. I decided to make Kababs, and hoped that everybody – 2 Croatians, a Turk, a German, and a Nigerian – would enjoy them. In the evening, there were 7 of us for dinner, and for the first time in my life, I experienced that feeling that people get when they say feeding somebody is so much better than eating. I’m not kidding, CM and I actually had to go dinnerless, coz all the chicken got over. For lack of a better word, it was a mindFUCK! Watching people eat something you’ve cooked, and liking it (I was tempted to use the word ‘loving’ instead of ‘liking’, but I think that would have been too strong a word) is a feeling that I won’t be getting over soon!
Last night was great too. For the first time in my life I made Chicken curry just the way I eaten at my relatives place ever since I was a kid. All my life, I wondered how the hell, people could cook something so well, so effortlessly, and now, I can’t believe how simple it is. But, the toughest part is getting the portions of the ingredients right. I think I managed it right last night. Hope I get it right in the future too.
So, for anybody who is interested in basic cooking, here’s the recipe. I don’t know where I got this recipe from. Its something I picked up from the net, and I have tweaked it a bit to make it something different.
Chicken Curry
Serves: 3-4 approximately
Cooking time: 30 minutes
- Appoximately 800 gms chicken, thighs and breasts, with some gashes on the fleshy parts (That’s roughly 4 drums and 3 breast pieces in all. If you like it boneless, cut the chicken into 1 inch pieces)
- 3 medium sized onions, finely chopped
- About 4 tablespoons ginger-garlic paste.
- About 1 cup curd (set yogurt)
- 2 tomatoes, finely chopped
- 1 teaspoon red chilli powder
- 1 teaspoons coriander powder
- 1 teaspoons cumin powder
- 1 teaspoon(s) garam masala powder
- ½ teaspoon turmeric powder
- 4 green chillies, chopped
- 2 cup(s) hot water
- 3 sticks of cloves
- Some cinnamon sticks, for flavour
- Oil, for cooking and shallow frying
- salt to taste
NOTE : The way I cooked this dish, it requires some multitasking, and cooking 2 things on the hob at the same time. I am going to explain this just the way I made the dish. You can prepare the chicken in advance first, and add it to the curry later, but I think this way makes it better, so pay attention.
- Blend the ginger garlic paste along with about half an onion, finely chopped. Add a couple of chillies to give it some kick, if you like. While blending, add a little water, and a pinch of all the dry spices in the list. You can keep it just a little bit coarse instead of making it a very fine paste, but that’s your call.
- Coat the chicken with the ginger-garlic and onion paste and keep aside for a few minutes.
- In a heavy bottomed wok, heat oil. Add the rest of the onions and fry on a medium flame till they are golden brown. Add some chopped garlic, green chillies, cloves and cinnamon and continue frying for about 2 minutes. Add the tomatoes and the yoghurt. Stir constantly. Fry for about a couple of minutes more or till oil separates.
- While the oil in the wok is heating up, put another saucepan on the hob, and heat some oil for shallow frying the chicken. Then, while the onions, and then the tomatoes are frying in the wok, shallow fry the coated chicken pieces for about 5 – 6 minutes each, turning it over to make sure that it cooks evenly on all sides. Once the chicken pieces are done, place them on a dish with a paper towel on it, to soak up the excess oil.
- Here’s where the multitasking begins. While the chicken is being fried, add in the rest of the red chilli powder, coriander powder, cumin powder, turmeric powder, garam masala and salt to the wok with the onions and tomatoes. Increase the heat. Fry for about 5 minutes or more till the mixture in the pan looks well blended.
- When the onion tomatoes mixture looks well blended, add in the shallow fried chicken to the wok. Let the chicken cook in the mixture for a while, and absorb the flavour of the mixture. Coat the chicken with the mixture to make sure that it catches the spices.
- Add hot water and mix well. Add more garam masala on top, if you like. Cover and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes or till chicken is well cooked and has soaked in all the flavour & has become tender.
It’s not the most complicated of dishes, but it is one of the best. It has a bit of a kick, so if you like it to be a little less spicy, go easy on the chillies and the chilli powder. If anybody ever gives it a try, and likes it, lemme know 
the most dreaded words from a song, for an NRI to listen May 7, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....3 comments
…chhodkar teri zameen ko door aa pahuche hain hum,
phir bhi hain yehi tamanna tere zarron ki kasam,
hum jahan paida huye, us jagah hi nikle dam…
- from the movie ‘kabuliwala’
it’s like ripping your heart out from within, and watching it roast on a spitfire…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Review… May 6, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in Miscellaneous.add a comment
So, okay. 2 days back was what you might call it an exceptionally brilliant day for me. So, I didn’t go to Brown Sea Island with the others. So, I didn’t do too much of research on my dissertation topic. So, I didn’t cook an awesome meal and dazzle friends with my culinary skills. So what? I did something even better.
I saw three movies in one day! And not just mediocre ones, either. The three movies ranged
from a very faithful adaptation of a poignant novel (The Kite Runner), to the funny-if-you-learn-to-appreciate-the-dark-humour (Grosse Pointe Blank) to a fast paced cerebral action thriller (21). (Note to myself : Cerebral action thriller? Is that even a genre? Does it even make any sense? Well, it does now!!!)
Okay, I don’t think I will take you through all three of them right away, so I will go through just one of them for now.
Started off the day bright and early, at 7 am. Made myself a cup of coffee, and sat down in front of my computer to check my emails and stuff. And just checked on the download status of a movie I had been trying to get for a couple of weeks, The Kite Runner. Finally downloaded. So, I start up Media Player, and off we go.
To read the review, click on the ‘movies & books’ tab on the top and then click on the page for ‘the kite runner’. Or if you’re really lazy, just click here
cheers…
p.s. yes, i know, i promised a review for “Death At A Funeral” soon. Hopefully, that’s coming soon.
Opiate for the Masses… May 3, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in Random Thoughts....Tags: "Opium For the Masses", Television
5 comments
Strangers all brought together by a single decision taken by each of them. Eight months ago. Two girls. Two boys. And one man, desperately trying to stay in touch with the boy within. They shared more than just a house and groceries.
Smiles. Tears.
Birthdays and celebrations.
Fears. Frustrations.
Bad jokes. Friendly banter. Jovial chit chat.
Voices raised in shrieks of enthusiasm. Sometimes, in argument.
Evenings were always exciting. Cooking meant listening to music. Somebody washed, someone else cleaned, a third cleaned, somebody else controlled the music. Dinner time were also never the same. Always something new. Discussion about the way a dish had turned out. Some hot girl who had smiled at one of them. Music. Movies. Dumb charades. Cricket talk. Shop talk. Assignments discussed. Debated. Argued. And resolved. Sometimes silence. But then again, somebody cracked a really bad joke, and it would be chaos once again. It was exciting, it was different. It was a home away from home.
Over eight months, it lasted like this. Then it happened. It was inevitable. Somebody said something. The word spread. The mind was infected. More ideas came forward. A site was opened. Details were filled in, and just like that, without any warning, the deal was sealed. And an email received.
It was official. There was even a license to prove it. The email confirmed it.
We now have television.
And tonight, as we ate through our first TV dinner in the UK, voices were mostly silent and ears tuned in to the dialogues coming from a box. And for the first time in eight months, yesterday’s friends became just a little bit more distant and quieter today.
And I made a decision, which I hope i stick to in years to come. When I have my own place, there will be no television during dinner.
I hope someone is listening.
P.S. I have always loved this Calvin & Hobbes story. Thought it made sense to add it on to this post. Whether you agree or think that i’m just being extremely cynical, I hope you’ll enjoy the strip…
I finally did it…in the UK! May 1, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....add a comment
Whew! Spent a few days back cleaning up my room, and man, was it a mess! Printouts of reference materials for all my assignments, candy wrappers, a couple of beer cans from a party over a month back, loose junk papers, menus from local takeaways that i’ve never ordered from, direct mail from the local print-shop from where I buy my printer cartridges, old newspapers, some more assorted prints, and somewhere in between all that junk, a study desk on which rests my laptop, cluttered with my external harddisk, the aforementioned printer, and an assortment of cups and pint glasses that have become the resting place for everything from a U-hairpin (don’t ask me why I have one! Even I have no clue!), 7 pens, 14 pencils, an eraser, my tickets from a musical that I saw at uni, a few more beer and coke cans from the time I was drinking even way before the party mentioned earlier, a wristband from my trip to the hallowed grounds of Wimbledon, and other assorted junk that I seemed to have picked up along the way in the last 6 months. Cleaned out. I think the sigh is justified! Whew!!!
Well, that’s not been all that’s kept me busy. A few days back, me and my friends did a quick day trip to Bristol, about 3 hours drive away from where we are, to pick up an unused television set from somebody my friend knows there. I went along just for one thing. Coz it finally gave me an opportunity to get behind the wheel of a car! And let me tell you, if you love driving as much as I do, its like learning to walk all over again, driving in a foreign country, after almost 8 months of not being in the driver’s seat. I must say, I have never missed my Scorpio more than I did the last week.
Driving in the UK after such a long time, was a totally different experience, I must say. I was actually worried whether I would have forgotten how it all works. Getting behind the wheel of a rented car (a Nissan Micra), adjusting the seat so, pressing the accelerator and the clutch feels just right. Making sure that you can see the rear view perfectly. Checking the side mirrors, the seat belt, the handbrake. Putting the car into first. Gingerly pressing on the gas the first time after so long. Making sure that the car is getting just enough gas so that it moves ahead in a smooth motion, and doesn’t jump start its way ahead. Looking in the rear view and side mirror to check for traffic coming from behind. And then, in one smooth motion, pulling the car out of the kerb, and then you’re on the tarmac, hoping that what used to come naturally to you eight months back, will come back again. And heaving a silent sigh of relief, when it finally hits you. You’re driving once again.
But, that’s where all similarity between driving in India, and in the UK ends. Driving in India is, compared to the lot here, is an adventure. You never know what’s gonna come you way next. It could be a haphazard cyclist, a careless kid crossing a road, a lazy cow who decides to come in your way for no reason, or a cabbie who decides to cut you off for no reason. You’re constantly on your toes, aware of what’s happening around you. And a little beyond. And you rarely ever hit speeds beyond 35Kmph in peak traffic in the city. Especially a place like Bombay. On the Vashi – Bombay highways maybe 60 – 80k’s. Max. You honk for everything. To tell the guy in front, he’s backing up too close to your bonnet for comfort. To tell him to move ahead. To curse. To say thank you. To signal your friend to get into the car. To tell your date you’ve come to pick them up and can they come downstairs from their apartments. In fact, a horn is for everything you can imagine.
Here, things are way too controlled. It’s a great thing, but somehow that makes it a little bit tougher to handle. Everything is precise. Separate lanes for buses. Separate lanes if you want to take a right, go straight, or take a left. No overtaking. Never heard a car horn here. In fact, for the first time in my life, I must have driven for 15 kms or so, didn’t honk once. Ever. You learn to drive at speeds of almost 90kmph on single lane roads connecting two towns. On top of that, you make decisions on the fly, at that speeds, whether you have the right of way as you approach an island or a roundabout. Right preceeds you, if they are already into the circle. You wait, and then go. Wait for how long though? Can you make a judgement, and then just squeeze in , if you can. Coz, if you make an inch of an error on either side, you end up in a ditch, and tons of paperwork, or you end up in the middle of oncoming traffic, and an even worse fate than paperwork. Not much option. On top of that, for the first time in my life, I was taking blind corners at about almost 45 mph, ie. approx. 60 kmph. For the first 3 turn my brain was going, BURNOUT BURNOUT BURNOUT! ABANDON SHIP ABANDON SHIP. ARE YOU CRAZY!??!?! But after the third turn I realised that if I slowed down, im going to bring the cars behind me on top of my ass in a second. So to maintain balance, you need to be doing what the book says. If it says 40, you go 40! But it was good fun. Getting behind the wheel after so long. For the first time, I didn’t have a chance to look at the wonderful scenery whizzing past me, the yellow summer fields, the willows covering the landscape, the small tiny inns with funny names, and the tiny streams and rivers we crossed to get to the next town.
I must have driven for about a half an hour, which was less than 20% of the entire return journey from Bristol, but in retrospect, it was one of the best 30 minutes I’ve had since I’ve come to the UK. I think the best part of the drive was not just the drive itself, but knowing that while i was driving i was unlearning everything i had learnt back home, and relearning all over again. I was learning to unlearn, and learn again. Something which i truly love.
And, I cant wait till I do it again!!!
One Line Movie Reviews April 27, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in Miscellaneous.add a comment
One of the best things about going back to university again is that you get to lead the student life all over again. Which generally includes – apart from the inevitable writing assignments and studying – drinking beer at odd hours, staying up late till 2 am playing pool, partying in night clubs till 4 am (okay, truthfully, in my case that happens very rarely, iv never been too much of a party animal, but iv seen others do it, so I guess it counts too), go out for walks to the quay in the chill of the night (damn, I so miss my scorpio!), discussing cricket, music, politics, business and movies with flatmates over drinks, and since we’re Indians and we just can’t live without it, playing an improvised version of cricket with a padded baseball bat and a sponge ball in the apartment hallway! (Cricket-ball if you wish. That’s playing Street Cricket rules with baseball equipment. If the ball hits the ceiling directly, you’re out! “One tap” out! Batsman faces 3 overs. Maximum score wins. You get the drift!)
But for me, one of the best thing about the last six months have been the fact that I’v got back to watching movies regularly after so long. I mean, seriously, in the last six months I must have seen at least 40 movies or so, which is like watching at least 2 movies a week. Agreed, a lot of them have been repeats, ones which I’ve already seen before. But some have been movies, I’v always wanted to see from the 80s and the 90s. Not to mention some recent ones as well. Here’s a one line review of some of them :
“Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” : A good movie, spoiled only by the realisation that ‘Phir Hera Pheri’ was a copy of this.
“Dances with Wolves” : Amazing cinematography and direction, marred only by the bad subtitling in the movie file that I saw online.
“Fried Green Tomatoes” : Excellent narrative, well scripted, great characterizations.
“Midnight Cowboy” : Slow, but interesting in parts.
“Blade Runner” : Futuristic, from a retro perspective. I love the way they shot the ending. Haeur and Ford on the terrace. “…time to die…”. Brilliant.
“Dombivali Fast” : A good Marathi movie, but sorry to say, in spite of whatever the director says, it looks too similar to “Falling Down”. Still a decent watch.
“The Bucket List” : Pretty predictable, but good acting by both the stars.
“Munich” : If you look deeper, it really makes you question is retribution really worth it all?
“Horton Hears a Who” : WHO THE *@!* TOLD ME TO WATCH THIS CRAP!!!
“The Shooter” : I hoped till the very end that a stray sniper bullet came out of the screen and hit me, putting me out of my boredom!
“The Darjeeling Limited” : I wanted to whop Wes Andersen’s sorry ass from one end of India to the other, for presenting such a stereotypical image of India.
“The Bourne Trilogy” : Goddamn, I can’t believe I didn’t watch this series for so long, just coz I was being an idiot! Really edge of the seat stuff.
“There Will Be Blood” : Lewis, Lewis, and nothing but Lewis. Nothing else to the movie. And very frankly, I think he was just about better than average. Nothing exceptional about it.
“No Country for Old Men” : Coen Brothers. Interesting plot. Nice progression, good characterisation. But I really don’t think I’ll watch it more than once.
“Jumper” : I actually expected a lot from this movie. Too bad!
“Sunshine” : I kinda liked it. Cheesy, but still interesting.
“Taare Zameen Pe” : Aamir Khan plays it safe, and makes a very very good movie in his debut as a director.
It’s not a phenomenal movie, but what makes it stand out is the different subject of the movie and the way it has been handled. Touching and real.
Those are just a few of the movies I can remember top of my mind right now. But there’s one more I would suggest you all to see, if you haven’t seen it already. “Death at a Funeral”. I’m gonna be putting up a review of that one in the reviews section. Maybe in a day or two. But don’t let that stop you getting your hands on a copy of the movie if you can before you read the review. See it, it’s really a movie that works on a lot of levels. Hope you come back again soon to read the review.
Cheers for now…
I Am Upset… April 15, 2008
Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....2 comments
And so it is, as usual, that whenever I cannot make out what or how to figure out life, or at least any particular aspect of it that seems to be bothering me at that particular instant, I turn to blogging it out. And in this occasion, what lead to this incident was that I sent somebody one of my earlier posts (Fear) to read. And that snowballed into something else, something which had been deep in the pockets of my brain, somewhere, hidden, refusing to come out until the time was right.
I am upset about something is putting it mildly. It has nothing to do with me, and will soon subside, so for those who care about me, please don’t be worried. The last time something like this happened, I had built up so much rage, that it drained me to a point that I couldn’t move out of my bed for a whole evening. That was almost 2 years ago. This time thankfully, I am just about upset. It was something that I knew shouldn’t be happening, but I knew would eventually happen, and as you might have guessed, has begun to happen. Well, I have seen the start of it at least. Simply put, it was what somebody I care about and look up to in certain aspects, said and did and what those suggested words implied that triggered an emotional response within me. I could either laugh it off and join in on the joke. Or I could ignore it, and pretend that it didn’t bother me, acting as if nothing was wrong. Or I could make my displeasure known.
Uncharacteristically, I spoke to the person concerned regarding it. I told him my issues with what had happened. It wasn’t easy. Maybe, it was just the fact, that very few times in life do I allow myself to interfere in the private lives of somebody else. Even those close to me. What somebody else does,
is that person’s business. Each person’s morality for any actions that involve that person and their interactions with other consenting adults, in the private confines of their lives, and that what is not illegal, is that person’s own business, and I don’t consider myself anybody special to challenge or question those actions. So, whenever, I am forced to question somebody else’s actions, I am at a disadvantage, because I lack the necessary skills, finesse, and the tact to do it in the right manner. Depending on the intensity of my discomfort level of somebody else’s actions, i try to avoid it, by ignoring that it ever happened, or just phase that person out of my life. Especially if there is a chance of that person not paying any heed to what I was saying, and continued doing whatever “wrong” (as perceived by me), that they were doing. I have only ever phased out two people out of my life before, and it hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. But I found that option much easier than confronting them with my issues with their behaviour. And in this particular case, it meant questioning a person, who has much superior verbal and rational skills that I, a master of oratory and rhetoric, and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. Going by past experience, I should have just ignored it, let things go on the way they were going, and eventually just phase him out, as difficult as it would have been, citing the reason to myself, that I couldnt’ stand a person who I felt was ill-treating somebody else, and therefore didn’t seem to care about anybody other than himself. The tough part was, it wasn’t a person I would want to offend on the worst of days, least of all because I consider him a close friend. He forces me to think about things in ways that I had never thought of before. But, it was more than that. Over the years, I have genuinely begun to respect and like the person, in spite of all his flaws, which he himself is well aware of, and does nothing to hide or make excuses for. He is what he is, and he has no qualms about it. If ever there was a person who was comfortable in his own skin, then this was him.
I think he sensed that something was wrong the moment he said it, because when I kinda commented on it, he wasn’t surprised. He was just surprised at the fact that I had reacted in such a harsh manner. Harsh, not in the rude sense, but in the sense of being abrupt and out of character for me. When it comes to the matter of the heart, though, I try not to mince words. Especially when it’s somebody else’s. Not everybody has the luxury of being a block of concrete, as I have been described in the past, when it comes to the matters of the heart. A broken heart is possibly one of the most pathetic sights in the world. Not because it is broken. But because, if allowed to spiral out of control, it has the brute force to break the spirit too. And there is definitely no misery like a broken human spirit. Devoid of a will to love and live. And the more you love somebody, and the more you are willing to give up to be with somebody, the more chances that you will end up with a broken spirit, if things go sour. So, you have two options. Either turn yourself into a block of concrete, so that you don’t end up hurt. Or pray that the other person loves you as much, and doesn’t break your heart, with their callous behaviour.
And so, I warned him against doing just that. Breaking somebody’s else heart, and thereby their spirit. Thankfully, he understood my sentiments behind it, and assured me that isn’t his intention, and that isn’t what he is going to do. And, as usual, I cannot but take his words at face value. Whatever I know of him, I don’t think he would lie to anybody. Well, white lies maybe, not a blatant lie like this, anyway. That isn’t his style.
And now, even though I ended up sounding like a preaching 70 year old priest, I have it off my chest. He knows precisely what my opinion is on the subject. And I think he appreciates it. Well, better he know it from me than not know at all. Or worse still, better than being sick and nauseated at myself, for not telling it to him, as I saw it.
Cheers to you all guys. Sorry I can’t provide you with any more information on this, and to keep you half hanging as usual. At the beginning, when I started to write this post, I was still feeling quite pissed about the incident. Now, an hour and a half later, as I am fighting off sleep, once again, writing it down seems to have done the trick. I think I will be okay now.
Good night, all of you! Hope you sleep tight in the arms and hearts of those you love.
“Oh, Hello There” with a stiff upper lip! November 7, 2007
Posted by espritnoir in Random Thoughts....7 comments
Okay. So, here we go again. Barring the one odd post in September, it’s almost like starting off afresh. Somehow, i feel like a novice all over again. Maybe, i am. Who knows? Are people still coming here? I know I haven’t. And i have been visiting others, only occasionally. So, hi there satandit, ajeya, CG, poemer, silverine, anon, and all the rest. In case you do drop in again, welcome back. (edit : between the time i wrote this and posted it, silverine posted a comment on my last post. i am still trying to get over what she said. Coming from somebody who writes as well, so consistently, it just made my week! Thanks, silver. Now i know that at least you have been coming here.)
It’s been over a month now, I’ve shifted base to the UK. A month and a fortnight in fact. Christ, time flies by so fast. It seems like it was just a fortnight ago, I was in Chennai, watching the last stall being erected for the company I was working with. My farewell dinner from work seemed only ten days ago. Having dinner at Yogi’s in Chembur, the night India won the semi-final of the first 20-20 Championship held in SA. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry that night in front of the people who had become a part of my family over the past 4 years when they did the customary farewell talk. Everybody else cries, I wouldn’t. I wanted to be different. I didn’t, even when my boss – truly, a guide, a mentor and a friend, as much now as then – told me something only he could have observed in all the time we had spent together, working on all those weird events. Those words struck a chord, but I didn’t cry. I remember laughing and screaming when India won the match, but I didn’t cry.
It just seemed like a week ago, I was shopping for more black jockeys, God forbid I ran out of clean underwear to wear in UK. (It’s a different thing, I already can’t find three of them anymore).
Less than a week back I was trying to spend time with my family and friends, but I didn’t have any time, coz I was too busy doing a zillion other things. Revising budgets a zillionth time, checking my addresses, making sure everything fit in the 2 bags I was allowed to carry, make sure i had an extra pair of specs, enough toothpaste and soap to last me a month ( I ran out of Medimix soap in a week, but thankfully I am still using the same toothpaste).
Just two days ago, I was enjoying a special dinner out at Marine Plaza. And it was just yesterday that I was at the Bombay airport, the night that India defeated Pakistan in the 20-20 Championship. Saying goodbye to my friends and family in India. After over a year of preparations, applications, tests, forms, more applications, a 1000 GBP scholarship, a lot of soul searching, some doubt, a lot of shocks, and everything, including the kitchen sink, I was actually flying. All through the journey, I thought that London would never come.
But, it did. And then, things started to speed up. In a minute, I was at my University Accommodation, unpacking my things. The first 3 days of Orientation thanks to the University, whizzed past in like half an hour. An hour later, I made my way to the quay, which was two minutes away from my house. Meeting a new bunch of people, who were to become my friends for the next year at least, that took about an hour and a half. The fifth hour, we had figured out how to use the laundry room downstairs. Ten hours later, I knew which was the best fish and chips in the vicinity, and two hours after that, which Israeli joint served the best Doner Kababs. To find out what local pubs served the most chilled beer, and played the best music took another day or so. End of the week, we were comparing the best value for money deals at the local Sainsbury’s, and discovering that if you walked the extra 7 minutes to go to ASDA, you could get a week’s dinner for under 4 GBP. Ten days later, saw us comfortably settled in, pros who knew our way around the town, and a week later, we were started on our course already. MA in Marketing Communications. Getting to know how the system works in a new country, a lecture or two, max. That’s how long it seemed to take us. Learning to memorise the names of the blokes we had to study at a Masters’ level, apply critical thinking to everything we did or say, understanding the difference between ‘discuss’ and ‘assess’ with relation to the assignments we would be submitting at the end of each term. Time flies.
And now, in our fifth week of acads already, we are busy scrambling around for ideas, theories to write about, making sure we use the right variant of the Harvard Referencing System, trying to handing in our assignment proposals in time, hoping that we just about made it. And more than that, hoping that they get approved, without too many changes. And all this, while trying to convince Elsbeth, our Ad Strategy prof whats the best campaign to run in order to get Levis to increase their sales of 501 jeans! And that’s, just for this week!
Now I know what they meant when they said ‘Time is relative’. If you have it, you want it to pass by in a whizz. And when you start hearing whooshing sounds of last week’s deadlines, all you can think of is, ‘Jeez, whats the hurry? Slow down man!’
Unfortunately, that’s all I have time for right now. Need to catch a good night’s sleep before I start working on framing my own question for the Consumer Behaviour assignment. That’s something I find is weird. Not only do I have to write the answers, I have to make up the questions as well. Now, that’s what I call cruel and unusual punishment. Like giving a guy on Death Row a strong piece of rope and telling him to go tie his own noose!
Anyways, cheers, for now. I’m way too sleepy to continue. Will post this and hopefully you will come back and find more of me from the UK in the next few days.
Good night!
i know what i want… June 6, 2007
Posted by espritnoir in I, Me and Myself..., Random Thoughts....7 comments
Someday I’ll be Saturday Night…
Hey, man I’m alive I’m takin each day and night at a time
I’m feelin like a Monday but someday I’ll be Saturday night
Hey, my name is Jim, where did I go wrong
My life’s a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
I just cant hold a job, where do I belong
I’m sleeping in my car, my dreams move on
My name is Billy Jean, my love was bought and sold
I’m only sixteen, I feel a hundred years old
My foster daddy went, took my innocence away
The street life ain’t much better, but at least I get paid
And Tuesday just might go my way
It cant get worse than yesterday
Thursdays, Fridays ain’t been kind
But somehow I’ll survive
Hey man I’m alive I’m takin each day and night at a time
Yeah I’m down, but I know I’ll get by
Hey hey hey hey, man gotta live my life
Like I ain’t got nothin but this roll of the dice
I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night
Now I cant say my name, and tell you where I am
I want to roll myself away, don’t know if I can
I wish that I could be in some other time and place
With someone else’s soul, someone else’s face
Oh, Tuesday just might go my way
It cant get worse than yesterday
Thursdays, Fridays ain’t been kind
But somehow I’ll survive
Hey, man I’m alive I’m takin each day and night at a time
Yeah I’m down, but I know I’ll get by
Hey hey hey hey, man gotta live my life
I’m gonna pick up all the pieces and what’s left of my pride
I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night
Saturday night here we go
Some day I’ll be Saturday night
I’ll be back on my feet, I’ll be doin alright
It may not be tomorrow baby, that’s ok
I ain’t goin down, gonna find a way, hey hey hey
Hey man I’m alive I’m takin each day and night at a time
Yeah, I’m down, but I know I’ll get by
Hey hey hey hey, man, gotta live my life
Like I ain’t got nothin but this roll of the dice
I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night
I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night
Saturday night, all right, all right
Saturday night…
Someday I’ll be Saturday NightBon Jovi
I heard this song after ages two nights back. Was going through some of my old stuff, and came across the Bon Jovi Best of Bon Jovi CD, I had forgotten I ever had. This ain’t one of the common songs that ever comes up when Bon Jovi plays occasionally on TV or radio. That’s usually “Blaze of Glory” or “Bed of Roses” or “You Give Love a Bad Name”. They hardly ever play this song. And I love this one. Its so gut wrenchingly real. I honestly would find it difficult to believe that somebody can listen to this song and not identify with at least one of the different characters and states of mind he’s taking about in the song. Especially if you’ve ever been heart-broken, disillusioned by your “friends”, unhappy with your job, living in isolation in a remote place, with nobody to talk to but yourself…and have always lived through the pain thinking that one day…some day… you will get out of it all.
Hey, man I’m alive I’m takin each day and night at a time
Yeah I’m down, but I know I’ll get by
Hey hey hey hey, man gotta live my life
I’m gonna pick up all the pieces and what’s left of my pride
I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night
Saturday night here we go
Some day I’ll be Saturday night
I’ll be back on my feet, I’ll be doin alright
It may not be tomorrow baby, that’s ok
I ain’t goin down, gonna find a way, hey hey hey…
Man, when you are deep down in your own personal hellhole, words and songs like those are the only thing standing between you and total insanity.
A long time back, a really long time back, I remember I kept repeating those words to myself…They gave me the power to stay put. Get a perspective on things.
I’m gonna pick up all the pieces and what’s left of my pride…I’m feelin like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night…
Damn right, I was gonna be Saturday night. Someday, maybe not tomorrow, or the day after that. But someday. I owed myself that.
But, soon enough, ordinary and mundane life took over, and all the resolves, and aspirations just faded away, and took backstage to getting to work, organizing events, writing copy for ads, spending time with friends over coffee and drinks, going out for dinners, making the right jokes. Trying to play different roles at the same time – friend, sibling and son, working-guy, human – it became difficult to hold on to somethings. It became easier to let the world go by, and not be achored, and lead a carefree existence. Not the Saturday night, that I had in mind, but carefree nonetheless. Easy over. And although the grieving and the pain, which had caused the song to be impressed on my mind so deep, had eased away slowly, Saturday night still seemed as elusive as ever. And it didn’t matter, coz as I realised now, over the years, I had forgotten all about the “dream” itself.
A few things have shaken up that lethargy, in the past year or so…Slowly, but surely. Like I had once said before on this post, it all comes down to choices that a man must make. “…how is a man not to think about his future? Of all the choices that lie ahead. Of the choices he must make. Not only necessary. But inevitable. … But, If one can’t tell what the heart truly wants, one just lives with one’s shallow choices and moves on…”
I once knew what I feared the most. I lived my life, my way, and I made a difference. To at least one person. The world may disagree, and may think otherwise. But, the world be damned. On that front, I have no more fear.
And, I know what I want now. Maybe not in tangible terms. What does that mean? I don’t know how much money I want to make in 5 years. I don’t know what car I will drive, and I don’t know whether I want to live in
India or abroad. I don’t know whether I will inherit my parents house in Bandra or move out elsewhere in the future. Those are decisions I will take on the way…with help from others close to me. But I do know something.
Right now, I am feeling like a damn good Wednesday, but that ain’t enough.
Im gonna be Saturday Night! Damn right, yeah…!
